Equal Amount of Love
She realized her jealousy had been unnecessary the whole time
Julia (7) was tearing her family apart.
Aggression, boundary violations, tyrannizing her siblings, sometimes running away and sending her mother into a panic. Her parents felt it wasn’t malicious. But relentless.
Finding the cause in this case turned out to be simple.
It had started the day Julia’s younger sister was born. Against this baby, tiny, irresistible, in need of attention, Julia couldn’t compete. So she fought for attention the only way she could find.
Sibling rivalry often has components of jealousy from the older sibling toward the younger. I worked with a combination of multiple visualization strategies I’ve developed over the years.
Eyes closed, I had her look at photos of herself in her mind. Every single one showed her sad or angry. She shot new ones from happy moments and replaced them.
Then, she visualized herself in the womb. As the baby of the family. And a number 2 on her forehead representing the age when that role should be passed on.
We travelled to the hospital, to the day her sister was born.
There she took the number 2 from her own forehead and placed it on her sister’s.
She passed the role of “baby of the family” to her younger sibling. On her own terms.
Next, we talked about what it meant to be the older sister. I had her focus especially on the benefits and privileges.
Who got to ride a bike first?
Who gets to go stay up a bit later?
Who gets to watch a movie for bigger kids first?
She realized being the older sibling had its perks.
With a magnifying glass I had Julia closely examine her parents’ hearts.
Both hearts, she said, contained exactly the same amount of love for her and for her sister. Precisely equal. She checked this through each year of her life. The same equal love, all the way through.
Julia sat with that for a moment. The jealousy had been unnecessary the whole time.
I could see by her expression that something shifted.
The days after our first session were uneven. That’s normal. There was a brief relapse before the second session.
After the second session her parents reported something they hadn’t seen in years: Julia being caring, taking responsibility for her little sister, looking out for her.
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